An Open Letter to the Friends and Family of a Narcissist

Dear friends and/or family of a narcissist,

You think he or she is perfect.  You think they are so nice and wonderful.  But the ugly truth is that the person whom you've put upon a pedestal is just plain conniving, manipulative, and abusive.  Behind closed doors, that is.  To your face, they are amazing.  But just give them one reason to hate you and they will.  And that reason can be as simple as not liking something they wear or worse yet, disagreeing with a choice they've made.  And then the rage comes out.

Once they've decided you no longer have worth to them, they will talk about you behind your back and will become your worst enemy.  You are surprised?  I can see why.  They've always been so good to you.  But it's really all just a game.  A show.  You are the supporting role in the play that is their life, and they are the star.  And your job is just that: supporting.  Unconditional support.  Or else.

You don't believe me?  Try it.  Try to get on their bad side for a day and see what happens.  Disagree with them.  Let them know they aren't #1 on your list for awhile.  Put yourself first before them.  Tell them they are wrong.  Prove them wrong.  They are masters of deception, so if it's in their best interest to not get angry at you (aka: they need something from you--aka: you give them their narcissistic supply) they may not do anything at all.  Or they may react in one of these ways:

  • Ignore you completely, act as if you don't exist
  • Lash out in a temper tantrum, screaming at you in such a way that's a total overreaction
  • Act nice to your face, but go behind your back and tell everyone how horrible you are

Then, when you ask them about their behavior, they may deny they ever even acted that way to begin with.  Or they may tell you that you're overreacting, and will act like what they did wasn't a big deal.  They may tell you that you're "sensitive" and easily bothered by things if what they did upset you so much.

You may never see this side of them in your entire life.  Mostly because you don't want to see it.  But if you really took the time to look closely, to pay attention?  You'd see what I am saying is true.  You'd see them treat others this way.  You may even realize that they treat me this way.  And understand if you see them doing something to me in front of others, ask yourself: what are they doing where nobody can see?  If you've never incurred the wrath of a narcissist, then you won't believ e for a second they can be cruel, brutal, and sometimes downright evil.  And you have to realize that if they treat others this way, you are not immune.  Well, unless you keep being a good little supporter of theirs and never, ever, get on their bad side.  Then you're all set.

But not me.  I can't take it anymore.  You have to understand, after being around this person for so many years, I've had enough.  I love myself too much to let this happen anymore, to let them abuse me in such ways.  And if you don't believe me, that's fine.  I am okay with that.  I just felt like you needed to know what's going on and why I am walking away from this situation.  And I hope this helps you to open your eyes and pay attention to their behavior, and see for yourself that I am telling the truth.

Good luck to you.  You're going to need it.


The person who won't be a part of this anymore


(feel free to print out this letter with your name on it to give to the people of your choosing)


  1. Oh my, did you leave? Did you get away?
    I am so proud of what you wrote. I have been there sister, and I have managed to free myself, but it took me more than 10 years of my life and then another 6/7 years to re-build myself again.
    Wonderful post!

    1. Actually, the narcissist in my life is my mother :) I did marry one, and only stayed married for 6 years to him. We had 2 kids together, so imagine the hell that was after I got remarried. He tried to control every little thing about our lives and used the kids to control us. It was horrible :( But, after enough prodding, he gave up his rights all together so he didn't have to pay child support anymore. Then he stopped seeing them for 5 years, but now they have a relationship with him being 15 and almost 19. But it's a very small one at that, and since he has no rights over them, he's way nicer to them now. So while I escaped THAT narc, I still have my mother to deal with LOL Yay! haha

      BUT I am so very happy to hear that you got away from your narc! That's not an easy thing to do and it takes real self-confidence and lots of bravery to do so! So hell yeah! Good for you!


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