How to Properly Break No Contact

I know that breaking no contact is a no-no.  But sometimes it's necessary for our healing.  As I  will stated in yesterday's post, Different Levels of No Contact, there are sometimes good reasons to break no contact.  This is normally done in the first level called the "shedding level", but it can end up being necessary in other levels as well (say, something is going on where you HAVE to step in and say something). 

So, how do you do it right?

Here is my 10 Step way to properly Break No Contact:

  1. Get in the right head space.  You can't break no contact when you are very emotional.  You have to be clear-headed, calm, and collected.  You'll see why in #5.
  2. Choose your mode of contact.  Each one has their pros and cons.  So weigh each one for yourself.  I chose a card to send in the mail.  Now, she could use this against me by showing everyone what I wrote.  But I combated this in several ways you'll see below.
  3. Practice!  No good writing or spoken message comes from a first draft (though you can work out your anger as much as you like in them!).  But don't even be tempted to use it or to wing it (in you're speaking).  So practice.  Write down what you're going to say and rewrite it 5x.  Write down what you're going to send, and rewrite it 5x.  
  4. Shorter is better.  Do not be long-winded.  Do not write extraneous information down.  Pick ONE subject.  My subject on my card was about the 11 year anniversary of my mom slapping me in the face with my kids in the next room and then chasing me around to do it again and calling me a pervert for sleeping next to them.  I did NOT write about anything other than this one subject.  
  5. NO EMOTION!!  I repeat NO EMOTION ALLOWED!!  You do not tell them how you feel.  You state facts.  This is how I eliminated my mother using my card against me.  She can't let other people read the card if I wrote exactly what happened that day.  Our mothers try to gaslight us and tell us things that happened didn't happen.  So I sent an anniversary card to remind her of what happened.  Word for word, the exact event, nothing else.  If you want to get something off your chest that is SO important you are willing to break no contact over it?  Then you have to write the facts and nothing else.  Do you want your mother to know that she's not allowed to be in your children's lives?  Give her the facts (and the ramifications for her actions if she doesn't listen to you).  Do you want to remind her of something she denies doing?  Write a detailed, factual, short letter reminding her.  Do you want to tell her she's a piece of shit?  Write the facts of why she's a piece of shit. And write in your rough drafts about how much you fucking hate her piece of shit self, but leave it out of the finished piece.  No name calling.  No insults.  No snarky closings.  NO EMOTION!  This is THE most important part!  This is the ONLY way this even works.  So go over your writing over and over again until it's completely free of emotion and only contains facts.  When you speak, also use NO EMOTION.  No raised voice, no anything but that factual voice a teacher will use a teach a boring class. 
  6. If you want to add an ending sentence, make sure it's as tame as possible.  When I sent my card, it was to replace her birthday and mother's day cards (which fall in the same week).  So I ended her card with "Instead of buying you a mother's day card or birthday card, I sent you the card you deserve."  Now, yes, that's an insult, but it's also a fact.  So you have to use your own judgment when it comes to your ending sentence (or line).  I do not suggest doing what I did, but I am in a different position than most people, as I do not have anyone my mom can whine to that will matter to me.  If you're speaking, then make this last sentence be your "you need to know this because" sentence.  Again, do not use emotion in this part either. 
  7. I suggest not signing it with anything but your name, if you even sign it at all.  I didn't, because I am her only child, so who else would it be from?  But no closings.  Anything you say can be construed as some other meaning.  If you are speaking, a simple goodbye will work
  8. If this is a letter, then print it with a basic, boring font.  If you're speaking, then speak in a basic, boring way (as you would a tantruming 3 year old, you use your "adult voice").  
  9. Make this letter less than one page long (hopefully less than a half a page) when printed.  If speaking, make sure it's less than 3 minutes.  You need to convey FACTS to them, then there is no reason you need to speak more than that.  
  10. Send the letter.  Make the call (block your number first).  But DO NOT open any return mail from them or answer any phone calls from them (change your number if you have to).  Because breaking no contact properly?  Means what they have to say to YOU doesn't matter.  All you are looking to do is convey facts to them.  You aren't looking for answers.  You aren't looking for validation.  So this it's very important to write "return to sender" on their mail and send it right back to them.  You do not need to hold onto their trash for them (which is what their return mail really is).  Imagine their mail is spam mail, yet another scam credit card offer.  Because whatever their offering in that envelope is a scam.  If you can't return it, then burn it.  Just do whatever you have to do to eliminate it.  But returning it to them sends a message: I don't want what you're peddling.  And perhaps they will get the message to not send you anything else.

If the issue you're having with your narcissist is legal, have a lawyer send them something instead of you.  If the issue is personal, make sure it will be worth it.

If your narcissistic parents (and their flying monkeys) get your message, then be prepared for backlash.  It may be big, it may be small, it may not even happen, but just know that it could, and find a way to be okay with it.  Because what you are aiming for by breaking no contact is not a fight, it's simply conveying a message (which can be for legal reasons, instructions, or for your own closure).

So think long and hard about how you'll go about this, why you want to do it, and if you even want to.  Before I sent my mother's anniversary card, I went back and forth several times before deciding to do it.  And when I did decide to do it, was concrete.  And I knew it was the right thing to do.  You need to do the same, to make sure it's 100% worth the risk and 100% going to help you move further up the healing ladder.

Have you broken the no contact rule?  If so, how did it turn out?  

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